Last Tuesday, before the rush to ER, I broke down in the shower and cried like I never had before. I have been feeling quite alone in this battle in trying to find out if my daughter is truly sick – being diagnosed with Epilepsy and wondering what her future will look like. I am agnostic – there was a day when I believed in things greater than me – even a bit of the supernatural. However my experiences brought me to truly question any existence beyond what we have here. I rely heavily on scientific proof and this far, obviously nothing has shown me otherwise. I have to be honest and admit that I find worship to be the place for answers when we have none – to make us feel like things will be OK because there is something else at hand. I always feel there is a better way of dealing with things.. being realistic.. but then something turned inside.
I did what a lot of people do when they are in a crisis and have no where else to turn – I directed my voice toward the universe in hopes something out there would hear me. I prayed. I prayed that the truth of AJ’s illness come forth, that she have as normal a life as she can – (in our societies definition of normal) and that I have the strength to be her constant advocate and make the right choices.
Then Wednesday came and she suffered what the drs called a Grand Mal – but after 48 hours of observation they never picked up a seizure. Was this God answering my request? Truly this went through my head. Since then, everyday I am now in constant wonderment and inside me I kept telling my self I needed to talk/write about the experience.
Does this mean if things go for the worst that I will exclaim there is no God – I may, I am human after all.. but I suddenly feel this strong hand on my shoulder and that feeling has to mean something.