Yesterday was my 34th birthday. Friends of mine watched the girls while my husband brought me out for tapas, wine and mini golf. It was a rather romantic date – it felt like we in our twenties again just dating – which was his intention. It was a nice night – rejuvenating in many ways.
I am a little morose though, thinking about my age and seeing that I have yet to carry out some of my goals. My husband keeps trying to remind me that what I am accomplishing, as a mother, is much more important and meaningful – yet it is taking its time sinking in. I want to be in a place where, as my daughters get older, they have a role model. I want them to see an accomplished, strong and independent person, an excellent and present mother – all the while having the career I love.
I want to give them what I didn’t really have – my entire childhood my mother was someone who I planned to never be like (long story). While I loved her, I was always rather disappointed. I don’t want the girls to have that – sure let them be embarrassed as kids usually are by their parents – but let them see the strong, loving and driven people we are.
Come October I will be re-entering school (had to take a leave the last month of my pregnancy) and in September I will be contracting for a web dev company. Yet part of me wants to find something full-time again – perhaps leading a design team where I can work on my goal of becoming a Director. I know it probably sounds rather selfish given everything going on with my youngest. However, working has always been part of who I am and I have always been able to load balance a bit. It is who I am – the more there is on my plate, the happier I am. I also think, as odd as it might sound, it might give me the perspective I need to watch my youngest in such a way that I can look with less bias and see more clearly what is really going on. You know that whole ” too close to see the forest for the trees” thing I might be experiencing now being so close to the situation. The bit of distraction work can give, might actually be a good thing.
Well I guess I have a few more weeks to figure that out…(the oldest begins school the first week of September and the week after that I should begin consulting again).
For now, I continue to work on AJ’s plan. EI has started their magic, and the second opinion we got from Children’s gave me some direction as where to help her – they were noticing some delays and physical attributes that are sometimes reminiscent of CP. So Friday when EI comes to visit I will ask the nurse to help with some of the other delays they thought they saw, and to get a physical therapist on hand to help AJ loosen up her left side. Working or not, I am going to work my tookus off getting AJ all the help she needs.